loss

If we’re friends in real life, or you follow me on Instagram, you already know that my dad passed away in April. I never expected his death to be this soon, just a month after his 56th birthday. I didn’t think I was at an age where I needed to worry about my parents dying. These past few months have been extremely hard, mentally, and I go through an emotional roller coaster daily. I still cry everyday knowing that he’s not here with us and that he doesn’t get to see his grandchildren grow up. I’m heartbroken to know that he’ll miss out on my brothers entire adult life. I carry regret around with me like a dark cloud. I’m constantly thinking about things I could have done differently. It’s been a tough couple of months and I know my journey of living without him has just begun. I hate that time has passed, because that is one more day since I’ve seen him last. People have stopped asking how I’m doing, which is no fault to them, it’s just a sad reminder that life goes on. Grief has become apart of who I am now. I’ll never be the person I was prior to April 2. I have always heard how the first year is the toughest. All the first holidays and first birthdays he will be missing is like a knife in the back, reminding me that he is permanently gone. buy priligy online https://medstaff.englewoodhealth.org/wp-content/languages/new/buynoprescription/priligy-no-prescription.html no prescription

Dad –

This year will be my first Father’s Day without you. This weekend I will be flooded with emails like “How to Celebrate Dad this Father’s Day!” and a slew of social media posts of my friends with their own fathers. In case you didn’t know, I miss you like crazy. The thought of you not being here can send me into an emotional black hole. I wish I would have called you more, seen you more, made more of an effort. I wish I didn’t have to wish all these things and that you were still here with us. I still think about you multiple times a day. Often while trying to fall asleep. I try so hard to conjure up my memories of you so I can burn them into my brain and not forget. I’m afraid of forgetting you. I still feel like you’re going to call me anytime and tell me about the vacation you had just taken or say that you’ve been busy with work or that you’ve had a bad migraine the past few days. Sometimes my mind gets flooded with memories of you and I wish I could record them, like home movies to play back whenever I want. I still remember sitting with you moments before you walked me down the aisle and you, knowing how nervous I was, kept telling me corny jokes to make me laugh. I loved how you would say after every picture “How do I look?” I loved that always wanted a picture with me and I should have appreciated it more. Since I’m always behind the camera, I rarely get shots with my loved ones. You were such a wonderful father to Max and me and I wish I could tell you right now. I wish I could tell you one last time how much I love you and that I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I wish I could hear your voice and hug you. I know you are in Heaven with Papa and your brother Steve having a wonderful time. I can’t wait to meet you again. buy remeron online https://medstaff.englewoodhealth.org/wp-content/languages/new/buynoprescription/remeron-no-prescription.html no prescription

I love you so much,

Chanel